


Nightmares

by Eruphadriel



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Dreams and Nightmares, F/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-17
Updated: 2015-07-17
Packaged: 2018-04-09 20:26:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4363049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eruphadriel/pseuds/Eruphadriel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Commander Chris Shepard struggles with the pain of losing her friends and family to the Reapers, and finds comfort in Kaidan Alenko. 1,826 words</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nightmares

**Author's Note:**

> This work contains (or rather, is based on) a headcanon of mine, which is that Kaidan has PTSD from his time at Jump Zero. I've used my own experience with panic attacks in this piece, so if you find the mention or description of panic attack triggering, please don't read any further. There is also the mention of character death (Ashley Williams), as well as the deaths of family and friends.

_“Shepard!”_

The voices were muddled, a chorus of the dead. They cried out in the darkness, screams scrabbling through the shadows. Shepard’s own outcry was caught in her throat.

Her nails dug into the dirt as she forced herself to crawl. The pain in her side was cold, freezing tendrils of dread slipping through her system and making her go numb all over. The pungent scents of coppery blood and heady humus overwhelmed her. She gulped down what air she could as the voices weighed down on her.

_“Help!”_

_“I think we both know that’s not going to happen, Commander.”_

_“There’s too many!”_

_“Commander! Oh, God. Oh, fuck!”_

When they had died, everything had been a blur of sound and colour and pain. Shepard had hoped to have forgotten about it. But there it was, the last words of every squad member she had lost, perfectly stored away in her subconscious. Reserved for her nightmares.

Shepard had no gun. She had no helmet, no knife. She couldn’t even find a rock to hit it with. She wasn’t entirely sure what _it_ was. _It_ had killed Ashley. _It_ had killed her parents. _It_ had killed her entire squadron. And _it_ was coming for them. For Wrex and Garrus and Tali, for Liara and Joker and Kaidan. I _t_ would always triumph.

As if that could stop Shepard from trying to fight i _t._

She couldn’t bring herself up from her knees. The screams grew louder as she struggled to a point she didn’t know, a place she couldn’t see.

_“Please! Oh, God, help me!”_

_“Save Matthews! Commander, save Matthews!”_

_“Commander – Citadel! – ck to the shuttle! Get back. To. Th–“_

_”Do it! If you’re gonna shoot me, jus–“_

Guns fired loudly until Shepard’s ears rang. She wanted to move, but her limbs froze as terror snaked through her body. Panic laced its fingers around her wrists and ankles, pinning her on her belly, face crushed against the ground, filtering dirt through her teeth as she gasped for air.

_“Commander! Help! He–“_

Shepard’s breath caught. She sat up, pulling her back muscles – still stiff from the mission the day before. Hot tears stung her dry eyes and dribbled down her cheeks. She could still hear them. Echoes, half as passionate as they had been, but they tolled in her head like bells. Shepard raked trembling fingers through her short curls, some of which clung to the nape of her damp neck. She let out a shuddering breath, the sigh ending in a sob that made her throat ache and her chest clench. Her breath hitched, and she cried out.

She could still smell the blood. The hot, metallic odour that mixed with the cloying, ugly scent of freshly-fired guns. It stung her nose and assaulted her to this day, grabbing her by the collar and shaking her until she fell back into the memories. Shepard curled up, the backs of her knees slick with sweat. The covers twisted beneath her, trapping her legs in their dark folds. She let out another sob. She was sure it was loud enough to wake the Normandy’s entire crew. Biting her lip until she tasted blood, Shepard restrained herself, rocking back and forth as panic quickly took hold.

“Commander?”

The voice was surprisingly soft amidst the wails of the deceased. Shepard clapped her hands over her ears. What kind of commander was she? Sat here, shivering in bed because of some nightmare? The horn-like groan of a Reaper sounded. She wasn’t sure if it was real or not. Shepard gave a garbled cry before retreating into herself, panic clenching every muscle taut and grasping her throat.

“Shepard? Are you alright?”

Her door hissed as it opened. Shepard’s fingernails bit into the flesh of her arms as she released her head and grabbed her biceps for support. Eyes clamped shut, she pulled her legs up so that her thighs were flush against her chest and buried her face in her legs. The covers loosened and pulled out from under the mattress. Her tank top strap formed a choke hold around her neck, dishevelled as she was. Everything was a mess. _I’m a mess._

Warm, careful hands met her shoulders. She could feel the strength in them, holding back, measuredly taking hold of her.

“Shepard, look at me. What’s wrong?”

The commander opened her eyes. She could only see the dark fabric of her pants and the slat of silvery light that beamed onto the bed. Slowly, she raised her head, lower lip trembling and bitten raw. Through a halo of dark eyelashes, to which pearled teardrops hung and bleared her vision, Shepard found Kaidan’s silhouette. He looked pale. Shepard hadn’t been able to collect the bodies afterwards. All she had seen was blood and a limb, a shocked expression. Nobody had been pale or still or cold. They had been flushed and thrashing and hot with horror.

When their eyes met, Kaidan froze. He had the same expression on his face that he had when Shepard had pulled him back onto the Normandy. The same horrified, sh–

_“There’s too many. I don’t think we’ll survive until you get here. I’m activating the bomb.”_

Shepard wrapped her arms around her head and leaned forward. His voice was clear. She could see the vast, misty landscape of Virmire. She could smell the sweat trapped in her armour.

“Shepard? Shepard!” Hands grabbed her shoulders again.

“What the hell are you doing, Alenko?!” she roared, trapped in the vision.

“Wh-What? I’m sorry, C–“

_”Screw that, we can handle ourselves! Go back and get Alenko.”_

Alenko,” she breathed, “radio Joker and tell him to meet us at the bomb site."

A hiss of shock and frustration. Something jolted Shepard forward, and she felt big, warm arms embrace her.

“Listen to me, Shepard; it’s not _real_. What happened in Virmire was _a long time ago_.”

_“Yes, Commander. I –“_

_”You know it’s the right choice, LT.”_

“Oh, God, hold on, Williams.”

“ _Listen_. It’s _not real_.”

“What?” Shepard’s eyes were open but she couldn’t see anything.

“You’re on the Normandy,” said Kaidan. “You’re sitting in bed. I heard something coming from your room, so I let myself in. Look at me. _Look_.”

Calloused fingers tipped her chin up. Shepard blinked the tears from her eyes. Slowly, her vision returned.

“Should I get Doctor Chakwas?” he asked. The urgency was gone from his tone, replaced with a gentleness she hadn’t seen before in the lieutenant.

“N-No,” stammered Shepard.

“Do you want me to leave?” asked Kaidan. This time, his voice was unsure.

She couldn’t find her own voice. Shepard shook her head. Kaidan loosened his grip on her, leaning back to look into her eyes. Shepard pressed her lips to her knees as the lieutenant moved around her to pluck some tissues from the box on her bedside table.

“Here,” he whispered, and handed them to her. “Can I get you anything? Water, or –“

”No, thank you” she said, voice firmer than before. Slowly, she could feel herself coming down from the dizzying heights of panic. Slowly, she became rooted to the ground. She always felt this way when Kaidan was close. To be sure, he couldn’t ward off the attack of memories and terror, but he made recovery easier.

After she dried her eyes – feeling positively foolish for the scene she had made – Kaidan leaned back onto the balls of his feet, shifting from kneeling to a crouch on the bed.

“That’s the third attack this week, Shepard,” he said, voice low and worried. “What’s got you like this?”

“I don’t know,” she answered, then added, “Saren being so close? The Council refusing to listen. I don’t… I’m sorry.” It was a flimsy answer, she knew. But Shepard couldn’t pin what triggered the attack. All she knew was that she was glad she hadn’t hurt herself by accident this time.

Kaidan waved her apology off. “Don’t be.”

“Why are you here?” She couldn’t hold the question back.

“I heard a noise coming fr–“

”No.” Shepard stared at the crumpled tissues in her hands, which had only now stopped shaking. “I mean, why are you _always_ here when I… After I…”

She couldn’t finish, but she didn’t have to. They both knew.

“I guess you could say I’m attuned to it,” he concluded after a few seconds of thought. “After leaving Jump Zero, I was…” Kaidan made a noise somewhere between a laugh and a gasp of pain. “I was in bad shape. Nightmares, flashbacks – most doctors said it was a side effect of my L2 implants, but one eventually told me the truth. PTSD.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know.” Shepard’s stomach twisted with guilt. She hadn’t meant to bring up such a painful topic.

“Of course you didn’t,” Kaidan chuckled. “He never gave me an official diagnosis. Something that severe on your record can be a real pain when it comes to work. I’ve already got enough grief from the L2 implants. He spared me the confirmation, but he also spared me the medication.”

When Shepard raised her gaze to meet his, she found that he had a small smile on his face.

“It didn’t get easier, but I got stronger. Like I said earlier, I’ve made my peace with it. But the nightmares come back sometimes. It’s better now that I know what to do, but I know the value of having someone to keep you grounded.”

Shepard nodded once. “Right. Thanks.”

“Anytime.”

She nodded again. He placed his hand over hers.

“Shepard. _Really_.” His dark eyes implored. “Anytime.”

When Kaidan withdrew his hand, the absence of his touch left her skin tingling.

“You should get some rest,” he decided. “Do you want me to stick around until you fall asleep?”

“You would do that?”

“No. I offered purely for the satisfaction of saying ‘no.’” Kaidan smirked and laid down beside her, arms open.

“Careful, lieutenant,” she said with a grin. “That snark will land you in hot water if you keep it up.”

“Yes, ma’am,” laughed Kaidan as Shepard settled into his arms.

She didn’t want to admit to herself that his embrace was more comfortable than falling into bed after a mission. She ignored the hot flush that crept over her when she realized how close they were. She ignored the way her heart stuttered, as it skipped for all the wrong reasons. _Or the right ones_. It felt right. Ear pressed to his chest, Shepard could hear his slow, steady heartbeat and the air flow through his lungs with each inhale. Panic subsiding, Shepard’s limbs grew heavy and her tear-stung eyes weary.

She shut her eyes and inched closer. Kaidan’s arms wrapped tight around her. She swore she could hear his own heart flutter and beat faster. But before she could confirm it, Shepard fell asleep, descending into dreamless unconsciousness, the slow, circular motion of Kaidan’s hand on her back the anchor that kept her above the surface. Still breathing.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Feedback is encouraged and greatly appreciated.


End file.
